The Omake Theatre Roleplay Time!
by Bubblegum-momo
Summary: Just the best little crackish thing I've ever written. Or rather, a bunch of crack.
1. It's Not Like You're Lacking, But

Of course, Renny had never been one to worry. She didn't care that Tifa had asked Cloud out to lunch, so that they could_ 'Talk about old times'_. No, of course not. She and Elai were only following them because they were bored. And when two twisted women got bored, they did things like follow their boyfriends while they were out. That was only reason one. There were really three reasons.

Reason two was that Zack was gone. So they couldn't pick on him at the moment. Not that either of them really felt like tormenting him, anyway. Cloud was more fun.

And finally, because Elai had said that Tifa might rape her chocobo. While normally, Renny wouldn't care what happened to her boyfriend (or at least she pretended she didn't), she still insisted that they follow Cloud. If only because she didn't want Cloud attacked by TIFA. Anyone else was fine.  
So the two of them had put on dresses, granny hats, and let their hair loose before setting off. Luckily, it was easy to find Cloud. His hair stuck out like, well, a chocobo in a chicken farm. Plus, wherever Tifa had been, all the men were turned in the same direction, watching her walk off. While none of the men remembered the names or the faces, or even Cloud, they all remembered Tifa, at least from the neck down.

As they watched Tifa and Cloud walk into the café, the redhead turned to her best friend. "I don't get it. Why does Tifa think she could steal Cloud from me? What's she got that I don't?"  
Elai considered this for a moment, before smacking her fist against her palm looking thoughtful. "…..Boobs."


	2. If They Don't Kill You, It's My Job

Limping down the hall, Zack sighed. Ouch. He had been sort of distracted on his mission, and ended up stumbling into one trap after another. And it had hurt a lot.  
But now he had a more frightening foe to face.

His girlfriend.

"Zack get back here! We need to clean those cuts!"  
"God no! Any more rubbing alcohol and I'll need a designated driver!" Zack squeaked, heading down the hall as fast as he could. It didn't work. There was no escape. Elai cut him off, reaching out and grabbing Zack by the arm. "Come on, buddy. You're going to get an infection."  
"I don't wannnnnaaaa." Zack whined, and Elai shrugged. "It's either me, or Renny with the needles."  
"….I love youuuuu." Zack instantly decided that going with Elai would be a better idea. "Aren't you supposed to kiss my owies and make them better?" He asked, and Elai shrugged again. "Maybe I will. After you're decontaminated." Hauling Zack back to her room, Elai sat him down on the bed, and, opening her medical kit, she took out a pair of tweezers and a cotton ball. Dipping the cotton ball in the alcohol, Elai began to clean the cuts. "There, see? It's not that bad, is it?"  
"I don't know. I'll think about it when I'm done trying not to scream in pain." Zack moaned, as Elai continued. "Shut up."  
"Elaaaaaai? Do you need the needles?"  
Zack jumped as Renny came in, carrying ridiculously large syringes. "OHGODNO." He cried, hiding behind Elai.  
Renny looked disappointed as she left the room again. "…Awwwwww." She muttered, before spotting Sephiroth. "Oh! Sephiroth! Are you vaccinated?"  
"….What?" The silver haired man looked over, his eyes slightly narrow. "I'm sorry?"  
"Get your pretty silver ass over here. We need to make sure you don't get rabies."  
"…….What?!"


	3. Alternate Meeting: in a Bar

"Zack, I think you've had enough." Cloud said rather worriedly, reaching for the glass that Zack was holding. The black haired man pulled his mug out of Cloud's grasp, and shook his head, slumping in his chair slightly. "Ic'n get as want az I drunk'a be."He mumbled, setting the mug down again.  
"Zack, just because Elai has been gone for so long doesn't mean you need to let loose like this. I miss Renny, too, but…"  
"But nuffin. Shuddup Chocobo."  
"Zack, I really think you've had enough of this…" Reaching out, Cloud grabbed the cup and took a sip. "…Enough of this..root beer… Zack, did you just get plastered off of root beer?"  
"Shuddup. Nothin' wrong with that." Zack responded, snatching the cup back. Cloud just looked half amused and half horrified. "It's a non alcoholic, non caffeinated drink. How in the hell did you get drunk? And why aren't you drinking real alcohol?" Zack just shook his head. "Idun drink."  
"….Riiiight." Fail, Zack, fail.

There was a clink, and a cup hit the space on the table next to Zack. "Have you really sunk this low?" A rather familiar voice asked, as a woman sat down in the chair next to Zack, crossing one leg over the other gracefully. "Honestly. You're less manly than Sephiroth." She said, pushing her hair out of her face.  
"Rootbeer? Gimme." A red haired woman leaned over Zack's shoulder, snatching his drink. As she sipped it, she exchanged glances with the seated woman, before putting a hand on her hip. "Honestly, couldn't you greet us?" Both the boys were rooted in their spots, eyes wide, looking sort of like they were either going to cry or faint. After a few moments of composing himself, Zack leaned back in his chair, giving the red haired woman a steady gaze.  
"…Gimme my rootbeer back." He demanded, and, after a moment, Renny (For that's who it was, of course), handed it back, resting her arms on the back of Elai's chair. "That's all you have to say? Aren't you going to give us hugs? …Cloud?" Renny looked around, spotting Cloud, standing at the bar ordering a drink. "What are you doing?"  
"I'm going to need to be as plastered as Zack before I can deal with the two of you."


	4. Insinuation

All his life, Cloud had been under the impression that being male meant he had to put up with _less_ drama. When he had passed the test and managed to join ShinRA, that little truth had been shattered into a million pieces, spit on, and stepped on by a pair of beautiful designer leather boots, compliments of Sephiroth. Manly competition became whiny and obnoxious; people bickered over jobs, whined about food, and stole each other's boxers instead of just doing their own laundry. The chocobo had even found himself missing the petty female drama he had occasionally had to put up with back at home with Tifa.

Only a little though. Men, he had discovered, had the same sorts of problems, and once you made a man-friend, that meant you had to do the same sort of listening as when you'd had a female one. And Cloud still didn't care much.

Resting his cheek on his hand, Cloud stared at his friend, trying to fight the glassy look he knew was probably threatening his gaze. "Look Zack, if she didn't want to go to dinner with you, there's nothing you can do about it. It's not your fault." The black haired male he was trying to talk out of depression just sighed, staring at his drink with a pained expression. "Seriously. Cheer up. You're good looking, talented, and practically the most heroic man in all of SOLDIER. If she doesn't want to take the time to eat dinner with you, she's probably just, like, a lesbian or something." Several things happened promptly after Cloud said that. First, Zack looked more depressed and then a little bit nervous, Cloud felt a pressure on his shoulders, and a pair of elbows appeared in the edges of his vision. Then a chin settled down on his spiky hair, and the last voice in the world he wanted to hear at that moment chimed cheerfully. "Who we talkin 'bout?" The entire Earth might have stopped spinning at that moment, as Cloud turned his head slightly to see a very distinctive red belt. "G-good evening, Elai." The pressure on his shoulders increased, but Elai's voice didn't get any less cheerful. "Heya, Cloud-o."  
"You're sort of hurting me." That had been the wrong thing to say, because the pressure increased a little more. "Really? Sorry about that. We lesbians have a little trouble controlling our strength."

Shit. "I didn't mean it, Elai, I was just trying to make Zack feel better. He was confused because you didn't want to go to dinner with him is all." That didn't make the problem any better, Cloud realized, but he was hoping that Elai might have pity on him. The pressure on his shoulders did decrease, but that could have been because the brunette was reaching over to steal his drink. "Is that so," she took a drink of his soda, knocking the glass against Cloud's face in the process, "well I'm afraid I really did have something planned. And it isn't hot lesbian sex with my best friend, thanks for not asking." She set the drink down on Cloud's hand, straightened, and ruffled his hair. "I think you should hope to Gaia I'm not lesbian, because if I am, guess who's probably getting it with the girl you like? Not you, that's for sure." Grabbing his drink, Elai laughed, kicked Cloud's chair over, and flounced away. "You know, she does have a point." Zack, now much less dejected and much more amused, stood up to offer his friend a hand. "If she's after girls as well, you don't stand a chance, buddy."


End file.
